Old school sarcasm rules once more!

I just feel like randomly venting!

We don't listen to warning labels, and I can prove it. On every pack of cigarettes, it TELLS YOU IT'S GOING TO KILL YOU. This isn't a warning label on a plastic bag that was written by some asshole at the plastic bag factory. The warning on cigarettes comes from the Surgeon General. Cigarettes give you black lungs, shortness of breath, yellow teeth, your clothes smell like something you spilled on the stove, and then you die coughing forty years before your friends. You can ignore advice from non-surgeons. Well the Surgeon General is a doctor. In fact, they're the supreme commander of doctors. If doctors were to start a war against the bowlers or the bird watchers, the Surgeon General would have the biggest hat and stand at the back of the army shouting, "Hold the line, men! Take two of these FISTS and call me in the morning!" Read the pack of cigarettes. If the Surgeon General tells you something might kill you and give your future kids extra toes and eyes, listen to him. Do you need a warning from the Surgeon Jesus before you start taking advice?

And trust me, if the world isn't listening to life-or-death advice from the Surgeon General, they're going to ignore the shit out of the fine print on a plastic bag. In fact, if through some tragic accident you end up looking through a Skymall catalog, people are selling plastic bags that you wear over your head. For fire safety. Because the best way to deal with a fiery death is to distract yourself with a smaller, stupider crisis.

The non-smoking commercials are actually funded by the company that makes cigarettes. It's like they're taunting us. Are they flash-framing subliminal messages at us? How can half the country smoke when the only thing on my TV is lists of tobacco death statistics. We know more about what cigarette does to the human body than than anyone knows about anything else. They have to be mocking us. One of the commercials actually says "Tobacco is Wacko (if you're a teen)." That's the kind of shit you'd hear from a person in a puppy costume. That's the kind of campaign that can get non-smokers beaten mercilessly in their schools. Did the mormons decide to take over on the anti-smoking ads for a week or something? I know they did a great job spreading that crazy religion around the country, but getting cigarettes out of kids mouths is a lot harder than getting people to go to church. Church is seductive; you get everlasting life and those lenghty painful medical procedures are reduced to getting slapped in the head by a man on a stage. Convincing a kid to not smoke is a harder kind of mind control. You remember the mind control used on us that made us all lay down and cover our heads every day at 4:00? Of course you don't. Because the Russians don't want you to.

People claimed Joe Camel marketed tobacco to kids. Bullshit. Think of all the forest fires that got started just to piss Smokey the Bear off. Kids hate you. They hate your irrational bitchy asses. Nicotine barely makes you high. You can smoke 50 cigarettes, and still get about as high as you would if you held your breath for half a minute. So they're not doing it to get high, and the fact that most of us are still sane after the Super Friends and the Banana Splits proves that kids don't base their lives on what cartoon animals say. Forget Joe Camel. They're doing it because they know that if their lobbying parents are trying to get rid of something, it must kick ass. Remember video games, sex, alcohol, not being somebody, drugs, and fire hazards? Of course you don't. Because the Russians don't want you to.

Idiocy doesn't stop here. Suing someone for spilling hot coffee on yourself makes you money. But it's sort of admitting to the world that you're such a retard you can't be responsible for your own actions. You know, in addition to being greedy, helplessly stupid, and dangerously clumsy. Of course, most people respond to lawsuits like that by saying, "They won't think you're such an idiot when you have A MILLION DOLLARS!" Yeah... no one hates rich people. But think about this: if you would really sell your pride and respect for money, why aren't you doing it right now? If you want money, take a shit in your hand and eat it. There are travelling freak shows that are always looking for people that can do stuff like that. Have you seen the Tom Green show? He may not be a genius, but he was smart enough to know that if he makes himself look like a big enough moron, people will pay him for it.

There are other reasons everyone's turning sarcastic. Have you ever had a friend who gives you obvious advice? You'll be over at their house putting their pets in the microwave, and he'll say "Hey, if you need to use my microwave, hit the amount of time you want to cook the thing, and then hit start." You'll probably say, "Duh" or "No shit, Captain Microwave Handbook," but you shouldn't be mad at your friend. Eighty percent of the people they or you run into need help with things like microwaves and what's okay to rub into your skin. We've been breeding stupid people for generations. They're notoriously fertile [the stupid]. The non-stupid have a tendency to have babies on purpose and at planned intervals, and it's raising the ratio of imbeciles to regulars to astonishing levels.Let's assume only half the people on the planet were stupid at one time. The nonstupid married, then had a kid or two, raised them like Dr. Spock told them to, and worked hard to put them through college. In contrast, the stupids had a kid or two, then got married, had a few more kids, found out about a couple more on a TV talk show, and worked hard to save money to hit the lottery to put their kids through a plate glass window after they got fired from the cannery.In a few generations, the nonstupid will have been bred to extinction. So don't blame your friend for giving you obvious advice. The guy he had over yesterday didn't know how the soap dispenser worked, had to chew it open with his teeth, and knocked himself out because you never told him there was no diving in the bathtub. Everyone wants to get treated like they're a genius, but the fact is, we can't afford the risk. You might look smart enough to hide the rat poison from your children, but there are others who are smart enough to know that if you don't get specific instructions for everything you do, it can cost them hundreds of millions of dollars when your kid makes a pesticide milkshake.